TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electricity," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is that he should end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It can be not merely ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests may ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A recent SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% reported "in which's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a resort in which my PTSD might have convert-down support."


An additional write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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